This article was first posted to rec.sports.pro-wrestling.fantasy by me sometime in 1996. At the time, I was a writer for an email Fantasy Pro Wrestling league. The following article is a teaser/interview segment written to promote a “Pay Per View” for the wrestling league. I am reposting it here to share it with the millions of people who have joined the internet in the last 5 years.
“FROM THE HEART OF THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS, THE BEAUTIFUL CITY OF DENVER COLORADO, AND THE HISTORIC MCNICHOL’S ARENA, WE BRING YOU TODAY THE IN e- WRESTLING ACTION! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!”
[“Bad to the Bone” by George Thoroughgood begins to play as the WHWF logo envelops the screen. The scene then switches to highlights of past matches as a voiceover begins.]
Wednesday night, February 21, live from Denver, Colorado, and only on PPV, it is the WHWF’s biggest event ever. Fans, prepare yourselves for Rocky Mountain Mayhem!
[George Thoroughgood continues singing as the scene switches to shots of a battle royale, then quick clips of all the champions.]
Join us for a battle royale, where title shots are up for grabs! Every non-champion wrestler in the WHWF will be in this battle royale! The third-to-last man out gets a title shot at WHWF Inter-Regional Champion Vanquish. The next-to-last man out gets a title shot at WHWF Global Champion Pratty. And the winner of the battle royale gets a shot at WHWF World Champion John J. Holiday. Every single non-champion in WHWF will be in this battle royale, including former WHWF Global Champion Colt, for TV Champ Arron Iron, the man who has pinned John J. Holiday, Vinnie, exciting newcomer Flying Bomber, the heartthrob Fabio, the devastating Nuclear Fallout, Alex Extreme, and MORE!
But that isn’t all! A tag-team battle royale will also be held. The winners of the battle royale will get a title shot at tag-team champions Rockshock! Already signed for this battle royale are ER, the Royal Court, the Bad Boys, and the Russian Assasins.
And, in our main event, all of our champions will get it on as John J. Holiday, Pratty, Rockshock, and Vanquish battle in an elimination match to see who is the best wrestler in the WHWF!
Let’s hear what the wrestlers have to say about this event!
******* (All of the following interview snippets are contributed by the
COLT: Time to go and kick some a$$. I just lost my title to Pratty, and now I’m entering this Battle Royale to get back what I lost. You’re lookin’ at the next WHWF World Champion.
Vinnie: What the f*ck is going on here. Kearney said I would get anothter world title match now he leaves. I’m sick of everyone, even my stinkin’ family. From now on I go to the ring alone, and I leave alone. But
what the h*ll is this now I have to go through a battle royal, a f*ckin’ battle royal. Fierro, if you want me to go through 20, 30, 60 men, it doesn’t matter to me. I am the greatest world champ in the history of this fed. And I’m also the meanest man in e-wrestling. So come on Fierro, bring them all on, Pratty, Holiday, Theatre of Dwane, whoever. I’m sick of this crap!
cut cut cut cut cut cut ect.
A message from the ER:
Dr. Rodger M.Thomas: Yes, that’s right ladies and gentlemen, the ER has arrived in the WHWF. And we are here to rule the tag team scene.
Dr. Mathew McMahon: Yeah, there is one teamt that we have had a problem with for a long time, Rockshock.
DRMT:Rockshock, I don’t know if you remember this, but let’s see: United General Hospital, 1988, arm surgery.
DMM: Don’t remember huh, you both had arm surgury, and had no insurance, so couldn’t pay.
DRMT: So we pay for you, but tell you, that we would come back to extract payment. Well, that payment is now, we are going to put you out of wrestling and get the tag team titles, whether you have them now or not.
Flying Bomber: A battle royale is a test of will.I know that I can survive.You don’t need great size to win. A good little man can beat a big man on any day.I have shown my toughness and skill in my matches
here so far.I’ve shown that I can brawl and that I can be a kamikaze.As I enter this battle royale everyone will see the Bomber through caution into the wind and do whatever it takes to come out on top as a winner. My insanity in the ring will eliminate everyone else.
(Fade from black to an apartment overlooking Chicago’s Gold Coast… slowly dissolves into the living room of Alex Extreme…Extreme is surrounded by women, one of which is polishing his CFWF North American title…Extreme is watching video tape of WHWF wrestlers…)
WHWFers, listen up!!! The WHWF is about to go through some Extreme times. So, if you wanna survive you better leave…NOW!! Mr. Excitement Alex Extreme, the CFWF North American Champion, is coming to the federation for ALL the gold!! So when you see me in the royales, just remember… eventually, all things run Extreme. Mr. Excitement Alex Extreme.
(Fade to Black)
Arron: Dont none of my fans be doubting mon! Arron Iron will be in dat rumble! And I dont wanna win I just be wantin My TV Title back! Miss Violet Why dont you be returnin my calls girl!
(Nuclear Fallout slowly struts in with the Red Army behind him and the CZAR close behind)
NF: You may be wondering, “Where had Fallout been” Well WHWF I have been collecting some gold over the past few weeks it seems that I have become the World Heavyweight and Intercontinental
Champion of the SWF. And you know what is even better, I get a chance to kick Colt’s Ass in both leagues. That’s right Colt I want you in the ring one on one. Don’t worry about the LOD they won’t interfere.
Russian Assasian: Hey Crusaders give us a match, why not, are you scared that we will have the same dominance as our comrade NF. All we want is a shot at you guys are you men or are you mice??
T180: All I have to say is Hail to Russia, the greatest country in the world for wrestling supremacy. Ha Ha Ha.
(Soviet National Anthem plays in background)
[Scene: Bad Boy Buster and Bad Boy Brawler are sitting on a couch in a dark, candle lit room. Both men are wearing black leather pants and boots and black t-shirts. Buster presses play on the cd player. “A Warm Place” by Nine Inch Nails begins to play.]
BUSTER: “A battle royal. Team against team. Man against man. Its us against you! We are going to take that battle royal and then the belts! Its our destiny. FEAR US!
BRAWLER: “First it was set up that we were to face Rockshock for the tag straps. Then that match gets canceled and we have to go against Red Army in a #1 contender match. Now in order for us to get a shot at the champs, we have to take out every other team in a battle royale. Whatever it takes… it doesn’t matter. Everybody in this league is afraid. Nobody in this league understands. On the 19th the Bad Boys are going to take no prisoners. You cannot sedate, all the things you hate!”
Fabio: So the new president of the WHWF has decided to have a battle royal for title shots.
Fifi: Fabio, here’s your chance to finally get the recognition you deserve.
Fabio: That’s right Fifi. First, I am chosen to wrestle in a qualifying match for the interfed tournament against Johnny Banger. This put me into the WHWF elite. Now, I’ll finally get a chance to prove I deserve a title shot.
Fifi: You almost won the Rage in the Cage at Violent Night against all the so-called “superstars” in the WHWF.
Fabio: My superior condition helped me last against all of those big, fat, ugly men. The best looking man in the WHWF will prove to one and all that he is the best wrestler in the IWWF. I might not be the strongest, I might not be the quickest, but I have the stamina to go all night long, right Fifi.
Fifi: (giggling) That’s right.
Fabio: Now WHWF, its time to find out who the man is.
Fifi: I know, I know, “Heart Throb” Fabio Erotic
Well, Well, fellow WHWF’ers. Its your good friend, the Global Champ, Pratty. Being that I am a baseball player, spring training is upon us and the offers are just pouring in from every major league baseball team
from atlanta to seattle. So i am forced with a decision. Go to the majors or stay here in the whwf and kick some ass with my fellow four horseman. My decision is:::::
I am STAYING….The Pratster is the man….So,anybody who wants to get their clock cleaned–come swinging over my way. Peace to the horseman and good luck to whoever wins the battle royal and must face me, the Global Champ. So come one, come all—me and the horseman will stop you!!!!
YEAH——–I’m outta here,……………………pratty!!!!
(Pan in on John J. Holiday, sitting at his familiar green felt poker table. On the table are various chips and cards, as well as the WHWF World Heavyweight Title).
JJH: Well, well. It appears that we are BACK here, after a brief respite from competition here in the WHWF. I, for one, certainly could NOT be more pleased. For I have gotten a bit of an ITCH for competition again; indeed, I’ve felt like a lost man for awhile, roaming aimlessly in search of a new
challenge. It appears as if I will not have to wait much longer. Thanks to the NEW head honcho of this fine wrestling organization, a group of men shall battle each other in a war of brute strength to decide
who gets the chance to sit at my table.
Now while this is certainly a barbaric practice — the idea of the “battle royal” is destestably without skill or strategy — I do welcome the sentiments behind such a contest. One man will have to brave the battle in order to get a chance to dance with yours truly. If I was a young maiden, I would be flushed with frenzy that such a courtship ritual was taking place in my honor.
But alas, I am no such maiden. Rather, I’m just a man, regular as any, though educated and skilled, waiting for the next roadblock to enter my path. I do so hope, gentlemen, that you enjoy your tests, and that, for the winner, our dance proves to be everything you hoped it would be. I certainly plan on it being
a most special one, as long as you … ante up.
Join Paul Frank, Missy Rose and the best wrestlers in e-wrestling today as the WHWF goes to war against itself. Rocky Mountain Mayhem is coming soon!
LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!