New Testament Drinking Game – Colossians (NTiR)

Bible and magnifying glass I don’t know if you remember this, but way back when I was reviewing Romans, I worried that it was going to be really hard to read and write about Paul’s letters. Turns out, I was exactly right. This is starting to get quite tedious.

It isn’t the project, mind you. I am quite enjoying working my way through the New Testament. I am still dedicated to making it all the way through the end of Revelations.

The tedious part is Paul’s letters themselves. It seems like every third letter is interesting, while the rest are mindless drivel. How in the world did some of these – and I am looking right at you, Ephesians – get voted into canon? Who did Paul bribe? What were these people smoking? I reckon I’ll never know. Looks like we’ll just have to trudge on to:

????The Epistle of Paul to the Romans

Chapter 1
All stuff we’ve heard before. If there were Kinkos back then, Paul could’ve just made copies of the first part of his letters. They are generic and cookie-cutter-ish. All things were made through Christ who is the son of the almight God, do good deeds and live accordingly. Paul doesn’t miss the chance to brag about himself, of course, and writes that he has suffered greatly for the people of the church. At one point, Paul talks about his suffering in a way that reminds me of that albino guy in The Da Vinci Code. “I am rejoicing in my sufferings for you…”

Chapter 2
This chapter is more interesting if you frame it as Paul being self-referential. And not realizing it, of course. Paul warns the Colossians not to listen to people who would tell them how to live, what to eat, etc. He writes “let no one who delights in humility and the worship of angels cheat you out of the prize…” Of course, the second you talk about humility, you leave Paul completely out of the picture, so that kinda ruins the effect.

Paul also circles back to talk about one of his pet subjects: circumcision. This time around, Paul states that people are being circumcised, that Jesus has circumcised them to remove the sin from them. So every Christian apparently has undergone this spiritual circumcision. I hope no one had to feel that pain!

Chapter 3
I just thought up of a new drinking game: do a shot whenever Paul talks about the evils of sex. So take a shot right now! Paul states that followers of Christ should put to death the impulses of sexual sin, impurity, passion and others. Passion? Really, Paul? Also, Christians should get rid of anger, wrath, obscene language, etc. All in all, Paul is setting up an impossible standard for people to meet. Is he doing this on purpose, to try and challenge the new followers? Or is he giving himself a back-handed compliment, saying that he is strong enough to do what others will not?

The rest of the chapter is a xerox of what we’ve read in previous books: women be subject to their husbands, husbands love their wives, children do as their parents say. Slaves must obey their masters, etc. etc. etc.

Chapter 4
Another of Paul’s overwrought closing chapters. This time, Paul name checks about a dozen people, including Luke and JESUS!!! JESUS IS THERE!!!! Oh, no, wait, it’s a different Jesus. Paul, do you have any idea how confusing that was? SHEESH!!!!

Conclusion
Thus ends another epistle. I really have nothing else to say. Well, nothing constructive anyway.

Up next: The Bible Is Not the Word of Paul. Seriously!

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Monday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.

Paul finds brevity? – Philippians (NTiR)

Bible and magnifying glass When Paul writes a good book, it is decent and interesting at parts. It is enough to keep one turning the pages, in other words. However, when Paul writes a bad book, he writes one that could reduce a man to tears. Tears of boredom, frustration, despair… Ephesians was one of those books. It was so boring and non-sensical that the best thing about it was another of Paul’s descents into sexism.

Once again I find myself apprehensive of the next book in the New Testament. What does Philippians hold in store for me?

The Epistle of Paul to the Philippians

Chapter 1
Whoa, talk about some major developments: Paul is writing this letter from prison! Thanks to Acts of the Apostles, we already knew that Paul spent time in jail. This is the first first-hand account of Paul’s time in prison. Or at least it is the first one that I remember. Did another sneak in that I have forgotten about? Hmmm… no, I don’t think so. But I digress.

Paul is in prison but he wants to put forward a brave face to keep his followers confident. Paul does this by suggesting suicide would be a good option.

Wait, what was that?

Paul sated that he wished he were dead, so he could be reunited with Christ. But he also knows that it’d be best for his followers if he were alive and continued teaching and leading everyone to Christ. And so, as much as he wishes otherwise, he will cling to life for the good of the church.

Of course, there is one other thing that keeps Paul going: The Others. In Paul’s case, these are the Jewish elders who plague him in his travels. Because of these, Paul will choose to hang on to life. And the Philippians should rest assured that The Others will be destroyed.

Chapter 2
Ummmm…. okay… Paul goes off a little weird here at the end of this chapter. Apparently one of the Philippians, Epaphroditus, had been staying with Paul. Epa got sick, and almost died. Epa recovered, but news of his grave illness spread back to Philippi. Both Epa and Paul heard that the Philippians assumed the worse, and were grieving because of it. So Paul sent Epa back to Philippi, to reassure everyone there.

The rest of the chapter is Paul preparing the Philippians for his death. At this point, it isn’t certain whether Paul will live or be killed. Paul realizes that his followers may have to carry on without his leadership.

Chapter 3
A couple of things here. First, we must beware of dogs, evil workers, and mutilators. Thanks, Paul! I’ll make a mental note of it now. I must especially be careful of dogs. Looks like my kiddos won’t be getting a puppy any time soon. Sorry kids, but it is in the bible!

Second, Paul likes to recount the story of his past, including being a Pharisee who loved to persecute Christians. (Paul also gives himself props for being circumcised. Ouchie!) In Paul’s own words, he was perfect! But he gladly gave up all of those things so that he could follow Christ. He doesn’t ask this of his followers, but says that god will do their thinking for them, and they will then know the right thing to do. Or something. I kinda gave up on this chapter somewhere along here.

Chapter 4
Oh, wow, we are to the end of this book! I didn’t realize it, ’til I got to verse 20 or so. I thought that it sounded like Paul was wrapping things up, and then suddenly *poof* there was the “may the grace of the Lord…” Talk about great news! It is over. OVER!!!! As for the chapter itself? Paul says he is thankful for the Philippians, since they stood by him at the beginning when no one else would. The Philippians also apparently gave Paul room and board when he needed it, so Pal is forever indebted to them.

Conclusion
Well, at least it was short!

Up next: New Testament Drinking Game!

Sexism in disguise? – Ephesians 5-6 (NTiR)

Bible and magnifying glass I don’t have much to say here. Ephesians is mostly ignorable, except for the big batch of sexism coming up. Otherwise? Nothing to see here, folks…

Chapter 5
The meat of this chapter starts about 20 verses in. The sexist in Paul comes to the forefront again, as he once again states that women are not equals to their husbands. Paul commands that women must submit themselves to their husbands, just as they would to the lord. He repeats again that a man is the head of the wife, and the woman should be submissive to their husband in everything.

Paul apologists try to the next verse as proof that Paul isn’t actually sexist, as he commands that husbands must love their wives as they love their own bodies, and nourish them thusly. The chapter ends up, however, with the indicative line, “wives should respect their husbands.”

At least Paul is consistent.

Chapter 6
Paul touches on slavery, saying that slaves should do as their masters say, and that masters should treat their slaves justly. Interestingly enough, Paul doesn’t say “the lord will not tolerate slavery. Which you’d think would be pretty clear from Jesus’s life, but hey, I’m not the man writing these letters.

Paul’s last bit of advice for the Ephesians: gear up with God’s armor (+5 DEF), the belt of truth (+2 CHR) and the breastplate of righteousness (+3 ATT). Add it all up, and the church should be able to fight off “rulers.. authorities.. cosmic powers in the darkness…evil spiritual forces from heaven.” Sounds like it’d be one pretty awesome campaign, perhaps it’ll make it into the next release of World of Warcraft.

Anyway, Paul finishes up, and we can walk away from another dull, boring book.

Up next: Can’t get worse than this…

Ephesians, the bible’s cure for insomnia – Ephesians 1-4 (NTiR)

Bible and magnifying glass I really should take some time out to do some research here. There are some details that I am uncertain of. For example, which of Paul’s letters were written first? How do they relate time-wise to the letters from Paul and Timothy? When do the letters relate to Paul’s travels as described in Acts?

The chronological order of Paul’s letters would assist me in figuring out Paul’s moods. Paul sounded annoyed in Romans and pissed off in both letters to the Corinthians. However, he sounded genial and paternal in his letter to the Galatians. Could Paul have just been having good/bad years? This is actually intriguing to me…

Anyway, let’s move on to:

The Epistle of Paul to the Ephesians

Chapter 1
God is great, and has put Jesus in charge of everything. Save yourself from reading the other 22 verses: this is the sum total of the chapter.

Chapter 2
Paul gives a different take on why Jesus was crucified. In this one, Jesus’s death killed the hostility between the uncircumcised and circumcised, creating a unified nation under god. This allowed Gentiles to take a place in the church, to be brought back to life after being dead because of their prior place in the world.

Chapter 3
Amen! Moving on…

Chapter 4
Jesus went into hell, then rose above to the heavens. He has given people gifts, for some to be apostles and preachers and teachers and plain ol’ Joes. All to strengthen the church and its members of course.

Do you know what else will help strengthen members of the church? Abstaining from sex, of course! Paul returns to his pet subject, stating that those Gentiles who turned away from god abandoned themselves to sensuality and sexual perversion. Since they aren’t doing so with Paul, it is not a good thing at all.

Paul demands that everyone move on to a new life, stripping away the frailty and faults of their old ways of life. He wants people to no longer lie, be angry, quarrel or – and this is the fun one – talk dirty. Again with disparaging sex! Paul, have ye no shame?

Up next: Sexism in disguise?

The return of Paul the lawyer – Galatians 3-6 (NTiR)

Bible and magnifying glass This is the way that I see things so far: Galatians is actually a very interesting book. Paul actually explains why he thinks people should listen to him, and gives backstory for how he got to where he is. It has me curious to see what is next…

Chapter 3
I just re-read this chapter for the third time, and I still can’t puzzle out any real meaning here. Paul goes into Pharisee mode here, explaining something about Abraham and belief and righteousness. Apparently anyone who has faith is a true descendant of Abraham, but there was only one descendant who would bless all nations. And the law of scripture was a way to keep everyone in sin until the true descendant of Abraham could come and take the place of the curse so that everyone could be free. Or something like that. I truly have no idea what point Paul was trying to make here, other than to say that faith in Jesus trumps what was written in the law.

Chapter 4
Paul is still in teacher mode. And still stuck on Abraham. He tells the story of Hagar and Sarah, but somehow twists the story to equate Jerusalem with Hagar, because Jerusalem and its children are stuck in slavery. Sarah corresponds to the heavenly Jerusalem, which is where all Christians should be seeing as their goal.

Paul gets a little more forceful – and twists the story even more. He pulls out a bit of Genesis (21:10), where Sarah commands Abraham to drive out “the slave woman and her son” and gives this as proof that they are children of Sarah. Paul seems to either forget or purposefully ignore the fact that Hagar – the slave woman – was also blessed by god, and Ishmael was also made a great nation. So why couldn’t Christians be children of Hagar? Or why should children of Hagar and of Sarah not share the inheritance, assuming the inheritance is god’s grace?

Paul can be wicked when he uses his knowledge of scripture to bend it to his point.

Chapter 5
Oh, I didn’t realize this, but apparently Paul is still railing against Peter. Or at least against one of Peter’s favorite topics: circumcision. Someone has been telling the Galatians that they must be circumcised. And the Galatians – showing that they aren’t exactly mental giants – have been doing so. Paul begs them to stop doing so, saying if they are circumcised, then they need to follow the rest of the Judaic law also. Apparently if you are in for an inch, you are in for a mile. Paul declares again that Jesus couldn’t give a flying fig (maybe from the fig tree that Jesus cursed to death in Jerusalem) if a man is circumcised or not, as long as they believe and obey the truth.

Paul then assures the Galatians that whoever deceived them thusly will suffer God’s judgement, and he wishes they would castrate themselves. OWIE!!! Question: could Paul be talking about Peter here? Or Peter’s apostles? Hmmm…

Paul returns to his favorite subject: the evilness of sex. This time, Paul lists those things that he wishes he could do. Er, I mean he lists things that are of the flesh, not the spirit, including sexual immorality, impurity, promiscuity, rivalry, jealously, outbursts of anger, quarrels, drunkenness, wild partying, and things like that. I can see Paul’s point here. The things that he calls “works of the flesh” are things that definitely seem to be part of human nature. Lust, envy, anger. But Paul goes above and beyond, stating that these are things which will keep people from the kingdom of god.

Paul lists the fruits of the spirit, and its a good list: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” My issue with these two lists is Paul seems to be stating that you can’t follow both lists. That you can’t have love and joy if you have a lot of sex. That you can’t find peace if you have quarrels. Paul seems to be saying that things are black and white, one or the other, that it’s a zero-sum game. Which I don’t buy.

Chapter 6
I just realized something which I should have noticed earlier: Paul likes the people of Galatia much more than the people of Corinth. In the two letters to the Corinthians, Paul continually talked about the ills that the Corinthians were perpetrating. The Corinthians were actively fighting against Paul’s word, and he treated them as troublemakers.

Paul’s attitude is completely different for the Galatians, though. The Galatians aren’t moving away from Paul’s gospel purposefully for spite or for pride, they are doing so because they are being misled. The Galatians need only listen to themselves and they will find their way back to Paul. There’s no reason for Paul to scold them, because their acts are just. They just need to stop being deceived by those who don’t even obey the law that is being forced on the people of Galatia.

Conclusion
I don’t have much to say beyond what I wrote above. Galatians is a kinder, gentler letter than Paul’s letters to Corinth. Paul spends more time telling the Galatians that it is okay to back away from the Judaic law, and gives them examples and justifications for doing so. He is subtly undermining Jewish authority as he does so, but that is neither here nor there. In the end, Galatians shows Paul at both his most politic and at his most manipulative. It’s a fascinating book for that reason.

Up next: Ephesians, the bible’s cure for insomnia

Relations cool between Peter and Paul – Galatians 1-2 (NTiR)

Bible and magnifying glass One thing that I have to mention. I was having an ongoing discussion on Twitter (follow me, @biffster). This conversation in particular regarded a very conservative, hard-core, religious right nut job. He was pissed at me for daring to insinuate that Paul was sexist. (Actually, I did more than insinuate it, I flat-out said it.) The gentleman in question flipped out, accusing me of attacking his religion by daring to say anything negative about Paul.

Paul, mind you. Not God, not Jesus, but Paul.

This is something I simply don’t understand from basically all Christian denominations: why is Paul so important? Why is he treated reverently, like he is a part of God himself? How did Paul end up controlling and influencing the religion founded on Jesus Christ? I know the whole “the Holy Spirit descended upon him” and that God was actually dictating the words that Paul put down in his letters. And that the Holy Spirit influenced the decision for what books to put into the bible, and which to leave out.

Things look a lot differently, though, when you don’t believe in the holy spirit. In this case, what you had were dozens of men who either knew Jesus or said that they did, all writing letters and gospels and memoirs, all competing to be the person who helped steer believers into a way of life that they think Jesus wanted people to live. It was a power grab. Somehow, some way, Paul came out ahead. He was able to get his books accepted, to have other books rejected. He became synonymous with the word of God in general, and the edicts of Christianity in specifics. The keys to the kingdom were turned over to Paul. Just as Paul predicted they would be.

The phrase “self-fulling prophecy” comes to mind for some reason…

Anyway, onward Christian soldiers! It is time to dig into:

The Epistle of Paul to the Galatians

Chapter 1
Amusingly enough, I was pretty much exactly right about the flow of the first chapter. Paul starts out greeting the church, giving glory to god, wishing everyone peace, etc. Paul then immediately starts chiding the Galatians. It seems that there are people in the Galatian church who are suggesting that Paul’s gospel is not necessarily true, and that there might be different ways to follow Christ. Paul isn’t going to have any of this, of course, and delivers a verbal smackdown. Threatening condemnation to blasphemers! “…even if we or an angel from heaven should proclaim to you a gospel contrary to what we proclaimed to you, let that person be condemned!”

Because, of course, God won’t tolerate honest discourse or debate.

Paul declares that the gospel he preaches is from God through Jesus Christ, not from Paul. His “proof” for this is odd, though. He goes over his history – his zealousness, his persecution of early Christians, his encounter with Jesus. Paul then states he didn’t confer with anyone else, nor did he talk with the Apostles. He traveled for three years, then went to see Cephas (Peter), then started traveling again. The fact that he didn’t have contact with anyone else in the Christian churches is supposed to be proof that Paul’s gospel was handed down to him by god.

This could just be me… but that sure seems like Paul is saying “I came up with this all by myself, without discussion with actual Christians.”

Chapter 2
Well, here is something new: Paul got into a heated dispute with Peter. Apparently it had been agreed that Peter would be the main apostle to work with Jews, while Paul would get the Gentiles. Peter stressed that followers stick to Judaic traditions, like circumcision (which apparently was an even bigger deal back then than I realized, since Paul keeps stressing it over and over). Paul, on the other hand, tailored his message for those who did not follow Judaism. Peter agreed to this, as long as Paul promised to take care of the poor and destitute.

Paul finds out that Peter is being hypocritical, though. Peter got into the habit of hanging out with the Gentiles in Antioch. Until, that is, some of the Judaic members of the church sent by James got there. Then Peter turned his back on the Gentiles, for fear that the Jews would revolt when hearing that Peter had been living the life of a Gentile. Paul calls out Peter on this hypocrisy, saying that he cannot expect Gentiles to follow Judaic law if Peter wasn’t going to do so himself.

ZING!!!

Up next: The return of Paul the lawyer.