Paul’s letter was so nice, he wrote it twice – 2 Timothy (NTiR)

Bible and magnifying glass I don’t know why Paul wrote two letters to Timothy. Did Timothy respond to Paul’s first letter, saying something like “Paul, dude, don’t be such an ass!” Did Paul realize he forgot to tell Timothy something important – the ancient equivalent of sending a follow-up email? I don’t know, but apparently it was important enough that the letter was written, and ended up being added to the New Testament canon.

The tone of this letter is different. It is less harsh than 1 Timothy. Paul has turned introspective, and is looking towards a future where the church will have to survive without him. This letter is an interesting read…

Second Epistle of Paul to Timothy

Chapter 1
Paul has apparently decided that he should cut Timothy some slack, and actually be nice and stuff to this man he supposedly loves. Paul does this by letting Timothy know that Paul thanks God for Timothy and Timothy’s blind faith and devotion. Which makes sense: who wouldn’t want someone like that? I would thank god too.

Paul exhorts Timothy to never be ashamed of god and Jesus. Instead, Timothy should stick to the words of Paul. Paul has a direct line to god and Jesus, of course. Just stick with Paul, and Timothy will do well. Oh, and seek out Onesiphorus for he provided Paul with food and board, and found Paul in Rome.

All in all, this was mostly harmless

Chapter 2
The astute will remember that Paul turned Hymenaeus over to Satan in 1 Timothy. Well, I don’t know what Hymenaeus did to Paul, but Paul is still pissed at him. Paul equates Hymenaeus to gangrene, an infection that will spread throughout the body of the church. Timothy should avoid arguments and discussion with Hymenaeus and his ilk, those who have destroyed the faith of others. Yeesh!

Oh, this chapter also brings up the whole “soldier of Jesus” thing. I wonder if Paul had any idea the conflicts that this phrase would create. How many killings, wars, crusades have their been throughout history as people try to be soldiers of Christ? Paul points out that soldiers do not worry about civilians, but instead listen to their commanding officers. Which, unfortunately, is also still true. If anyone wants proof that the bible contained its violent sections, then they haven’t read 2 Timothy 2.

Chapter 3
Paul returns to writing about the end times. People will fall into iniquity and sin. Paul gives a list of the sins that people will commit, and it is oddly uneven. There are major sins and minor sins mixed in as equals. Some will be slanderous, brutal, abusive. Some will be disobedient to their parents and conceited. One of these things is not like the other!

Paul also switches back to sexist mode. There will be deceivers who will target women who can be easily swayed by their desires. Because, of course, these women “are always studying but are never able to arrive at a full knowledge of the truth.” Defenders of Paul will note that he writes about a certain group of women, not all women in general. However, why is it always women who study but can’t discern the meaning of the truth? This is a pattern of Paul’s, and I refuse to give him a free pass just because he qualifies his statements in this one chapter.

Paul actually gives credit to god for rescuing him from persecution. Good for Paul! Paul warns that all followers of Christ will be persecuted. Bummer!

Chapter 4
I don’t know why, but I didn’t realize that Paul foresaw his own death. This chapter shows Paul preparing for this eventuality. Paul instructs Timothy how to handle the church once Paul dies. He impores Timothy to stick to Paul’s gospel, even when others don’t want to hear it. Because people won’t want to hear these truths anymore, and will instead turn to fables and myths. What could those fables be? These are the kind of things that I wonder about. Paul pleads with Timothy to be calm and level-headed as he tries to bring people to the truth.

Paul then allows his human side to come out, and seeks comfort. He gives the “I have fought the good fight, I have kept the faith” adage, but then asks Timothy to come see him as soon as possible. Everyone but Luke has abandoned Paul. Alexander actually attacked and injured Paul. Paul warns Timothy to be wary of Alexandar, and to bring Mark to Paul. Paul has sent for others, but isn’t sure they will be there in time. Paul again exhorts Timothy to hurry.

Conclusion
And thus 2 Timothy closes. Not with a whimper, but with a bang. Paul’s fear of death and need for friends to be with him at the end of his life provides an emotional atmosphere missing in most of Paul’s epistles. Paul connects with his readers – or at least with me – in an unexpectedly powerful way. It’s a very powerful way to wrap up this letter.

Up next: Paul’s letter to Titus

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Tuesday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.

Paul was one f****d up dude – 1 Timothy 4-6 (NTiR)

Bible and magnifying glass If there’s one thing that the first three chapters of Timothy taught us, it is that establishing the bureaucracy of a new church is boring.

Chapter 4
This is Paul’s action plan for Timothy. It’s actually pretty boring, too. Paul tells Timothy to read publicly from scripture and remind the brothers that all food is allowable to eat. I don’t know, it’s Paul’s words, I’m just saying what I read. I don’t actually care much of anything about this chapter, to tell you the truth. It’s filler and safely ignorable.

What is interesting, though, is that Paul continues to try and hammer home the point that everything he says is true because he says it is. e.g. 1 Tim 4:9 “This saying is trustworthy and deserves complete acceptance.” This echoes statements Paul has made in other books, and earlier in this letter. Apparently no one bothered to point out this logical fallacy to Paul.

Chapter 5
Anyone who has been reading this New Testament in Review for any length in time knows by now that I have little respect for Paul. I believe that Paul co-opted the burgeoning Christian church and turned it into his own religion, tainting Jesus’s teachings with his own personal beliefs and prejudices and judgments, coupled with his life-long devotion as a Pharisee. But even I would not accuse Paul of attacking widows. Who could be that heartless?

Turns out Paul is that heartless. After telling Timothy to honor widows, Paul then goes on to describe the type of woman who doesn’t qualify as a true widow, and therefore doesn’t deserve to be treated with respect. This includes women who live for pleasure, women who are younger than 60 years old, women who have been married more than once, and women who haven’t washed the feet of others in the church. Which, if you think about it, probably adds up to a lot of women who were widows but weren’t considered true widows by Paul.

Even worse, young(er) women should not be on the list either. These women should remarry and have more children, so they don’t have a chance to fall to evil or to be ridiculed by the enemy. Elsewise, they will turn away and follow Satan.

You know, Paul was one fucked-up dude…

Paul moves on to salaries. Church elders get paid. Really good church elders should be paid twice as much, especially preachers. Ah! Suddenly televangelism makes a lot more sense to me. It’s in the bible that preachers should get a lot of money. Thanks, Paul!

One last thing: Charges against a church elder should be ignored unless at least two or three people witnessed the complaint. Which is so stunningly stupid that I can’t believe it’d be written thusly. Talk about a license to behave in whatever way one would want. This might be how catholic priests were able to get away with child abuse for so long?

This was one weird, strange chapter…

Chapter 6
Okay, I have to grudgingly admit that this chapter is pretty darned good. Except for the slavery part: Paul still sticks to the idea that slaves must be respectful of their masters and serve them well. I am not in the mood to go looking through my old posts, but I seem to remember this being something that Jesus himself said. So Paul actually gets a point for sticking with Jesus’s teachings. Even if they weren’t good ones.

Paul has a great bit of unintentional irony as he writes: “If anyone teaches false doctrine and refuses to agree with the healthy words of our Lord Jesus Christ and godly teaching, he is a conceited person…” Your finger is pointing at yourself, my dear Paul…

The rest of this chapter is a contrast between spiritual and physical wealth. It is a warning that the love of money and physical wealth can pull even the most faithful person into sin. A person should be more concerned about wealth in the form of doing good works, being generous, sharing, loving, being gentle. Those are the true riches.

Conclusion
This is such a weird, weird book. Peter was obviously writing to his friend and protege here, and not to a wider audience. Paul was much more open and honest, and more of the real Paul was shown. This isn’t necessarily a good thing: the true Paul is even more sexist and repressed than I had thought. Narcissistic, too, with his own little god complex showing. Yeah, it isn’t good for Paul that his less-than-glamorous side was shown, but it made for an entertaining book. And the last chapter is excellent food for thought.

Up next: Paul’s letter was so nice, he wrote it twice

Timothy didn’t write Timothy – 1 Timothy 1-3 (NTiR)

Bible and magnifying glass What the hell? I assumed that a book titled “1 Timothy” would be written by Timothy. That seems logical, doesn’t it? Timothy ranked high in the leadership of the new church, and traveled extensively with Paul. Timothy should have been trusted to write letters to churches throughout the area. Those letters could be added to the New Testament as part of the canon, to go along with Paul’s letters. Makes sense, no?

So why the hell am I seeing that 1 Timothy is actually a letter written from Paul to Timothy?

I am *NOT* amused.

First Epistle to Timothy

Chapter 1
Do you know someone who seems like the absolute nicest person in the world while in public, but are actually rude and mean and abusive in private? Apparently, that is Paul. It seems that he feels free to let his inner prick come out while writing to Timothy, and it does with flair. First Paul states that he left Timothy behind in Ephesus so Timothy could stop people from teaching false doctrines, making up myths (about who?) and working on genealogies. Which seems like a really weird thing for Paul to have an issue with. Why get upset that people are making their own family trees? Why is there a problem if some say “see, I can trace my ancestors back through Moses!”

Paul also picks the bones of those who would dare learn and speak of the law. Wait, what now? “…the law is not intended for righteous people but for lawbreakers…” Hmmm… I am probably reading this out of context, or the translation I am using was unclear at this point, or there is some type of historical nuance I am missing, but isn’t this Paul saying that the laws of the Old Testament are only there to tell sinners what not to do? It sounds like he is saying that scripture does not apply to members of the new church at all.

Bizarre.

oh, DRINK! Because Paul says those sinners who need the law include homosexuals and those involved in sexual immorality. Paul’s gonna make sure that my drinking game is a success, I think. One note: other sins which Paul groups together include murderers, kidnappers and liars.

Paul hasn’t talked about himself in this chapter so far, but that comes to an end quickly. Paul states that he was once a blasphemer, but Jesus forgave him because Paul did not know the truth. Jesus wanted to raise Paul up as an example, so everyone would know it is possible to become a follower.

Paul then really brings on the dick: he states that he turned Hymenaeus and Alexandar over to Satan, so that they would learn a lesson about blasphemy. And I thought that Peter’s punishments were extreme?

Chapter 2
This chapter should be titled “The Most Sexist Book In The Whole Damned Bible.” Sure, there are a lot of passages in the bible that are sexist, sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly. But there have not been any passages that I can remember which are as flat out racist as 1 Tim 2:11-14. Paul states that a woman must learn quietly, will never be allowed to teach in the church, nor will a woman have authority over a man. Women must be quiet. After all, it was the woman who was deceived and broke the law. Fortunately, women can be saved by having children.

I kid you not!

Chapter 3
This is Paul’s management handbook for Timothy. Elders (bishops) and deacons must be men who are married to only one woman (damn!), has children who are submissive in every way, have been in the church for a long time, are gentle and don’t drink a lot. Unfortunately for most televangelists, they should not be argumentative, nor should they love money. Of course, the wives have to be quiet and subjugate themselves and… oh, wait, I’m still having flashbacks to Chapter Two. Wives must not gossip, but must be trustworthy in everything.

[yawn]

??Up next: Paul’s one fucked up dude

Bible and magnifying glass Let me get this straight: There were two letters from Paul to the Thessalonians. One was 5 chapters long. One was three chapters long. Instead of combining these into one book – say, Thessalonians – it was decided that these should be split into two books. Why? Where’s the benefit of having a three-chapter letter as a follow-up to a 5 chapter letter, if there’s nothing in-between? I could understand this if, for example, the response from the Thessalonians were its own book. Then there’d be letter, reply and response. Three books, good to go. But that isn’t the case. So my question stands: why?

1 Thessalonians really bummed me out. The wonderful, glorious, beautiful teachings of Jesus Christ are being turned into a bland, lifeless doctrine by Paul. This has been happening slowly as the letters have progressed, but by 1 Thessalonians it was impossible to ignore. Christ’s message has been lost to Paul’s dogma. Or at least it has been diluted. Either way, what Paul has left us with is just a shadow of what Jesus created. That wearies me.

Still, 2 Thessalonians is ahead. In all of its splendid shortness. Let us move on!

The Second Epistle of Paul to the Thessalonians

Chapter 1
The Thessalonians are being good, especially since they are being persecuted and attacked. I am sure there is a lot more to this story that I could find out if I did a little research. Some day I actually might. I can sense the seeds of a book or a thesis project here. Who knows, mayhaps some day I will? It’ll make reading Paul’s redundant, droning letters worthwhile. Which this chapter isn’t. It’s the same opening as all of Paul’s letters.

Chapter 2
Wow, what a (mostly) great chapter! Finally, something to sink my teeth into. Apparently there are some people in Thessalonia who have heard that the Second Coming has already occurred, and they have missed it. How horrible this must’ve made them feel! Imagine if you can spending decades of your life preparing yourself for an event, only to be told that it happened while you weren’t watching. They would’ve felt that they were warned, too, with Christ’s warning that the day of the lord will come like a thief in the night.

You can imagine, therefore, that Paul’s first order of business was to try and calm people down. And he did, though his method of doing so leaves something to be desired. Paul decided to get all Book of Revelations on the Thessalonians asses. Paul explained that the second coming could not have possibly happened, because the anti-Christ has not made his appearance.

Paul named the anti-Christ “the man of sin.” Paul said that this man will come with the power of Satan. He will use every trick he can to lead astray believers, including performing miracles. For some reason, God will make non-believers follow the Man of Sin to their doom. Until the Man of Sin comes – and it isn’t quite clear what is keeping him from showing up at that point, though Paul gives hints – Jesus will not return. Case settled.

The rest of the chapter peters off into fluff-filled rhetoric that can be safely ignored.

Chapter 3
Paul ends on a surprisingly harsh note, as he implores the Thessalonians to shun members of the church who no longer follow what they were taught. I should note here that the different translations of the bible I am using disagree on what the brothers are doing to deserve shunning. In the ISV (my default), it is “living in idleness and not living according to the tradition.” ASV and KJV give “walketh disorderly and not after the tradition.” WEB says “walk in rebellion and not after the tradition.” And NET says “lives an undisciplined life and not according to the tradition.”

I am going to assume the gist of the verse is saying to stay away from anyone who is no longer following the traditions and rules taught by Paul and the other church elders. Seems a safe assumption to me.

The goal of the public shunning is two-fold: first, it’ll hopefully be enough to shame the rebels into following Paul’s teachings. And second, it will provide an example for the faithful to stay the course.

Conclusion
Okay, so I admit that I was wrong about this book. Yes, it probably should have been combined with 1 Thessalonians. And yes, Chapter 1 was boring enough to make me want to gnaw off my own arm to survive the boredom. But Chapter 2 was awesome in its weirdness, and Chapter 3 gave a very educational view of how dissidents were treated in the church. All in all, 2 Thessalonians was pretty darned entertaining.

??Up next: Wait… Timothy didn’t write Timothy?

Paul slowly sucks the color out of the gospel – 1 Thessalonians 4-5 (NTiR)

Bible and magnifying glass Looking back on the first half of 1 Thessalonians, I realized something important: there really wasn’t anything to complain about in it. The first half of this letter was mostly harmless. True, there wasn’t much good in it, but there wasn’t much bad. All in all, I’d call that a wash.

Chapter 4
DRINK! In case you missed it, I came up with a new drinking game. You have to do a shot every time that Paul denigrates sexuality. And he does so here, saying that the Thessalonians must abstain from sexual immorality, denying sex for such base things as passion and lust. Sex should only be done for holiness and honor, of course! That nutty ol’ Paul.

Paul then touches on homosexuality, for the first time in a few books. He does so in a surprisingly measured statement, “you must never take advantage or exploit a brother in this regard.” It is a statement of fact, not a judgement nor commandment.

Well, I guess that is a little bit of a commandment.

Paul then has a little bit of homo-eroticism which amuses me to no end: “You [know] about brotherly love […] you are showing love to all the brothers throughout Macedonia….”

Yes, I can be juvenile sometimes. 🙂

Oh, there’s something else I wanted to mention here. Something serious, actually. Paul is talking about what happens to those who live versus those who die for Christ. Paul states that both groups will be brought together and taken up to be with the Lord. The interesting part is that Paul isn’t speaking in a “this will happen in thousands of years” tone. It sounds very much like Paul believes this will happen soon, before more than a few years or decades have past. He is expecting people who were alive at that point in time to still be alive when Jesus returned.

Chapter 5
Paul asks the Thessalonians to continue as they were, but not to get complacent.

Conclusion
I don’t know what it is, but I almost have a physical sense for how much things have changed from the gospels to Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians. Part of it is Paul’s echo of Jesus’s teachings, of course. When Jesus taught of the day of the lord coming as a thief in the night, the idea was alive, full of savor, exciting, refreshing. Paul’s recitation feels hollow and clinical. Jesus’s vibrant, loving message is slowly losing its spark in the hands of those who want to mold the message into their own concepts.

Up next: Three chapters? Why bother?

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Monday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.

The Bible Is Not the Word of Paul. Seriously! – 1 Thessalonians 1-3 (NTiR)

Bible and magnifying glass We’ve cracked into the Ts. Why is this important? I have no idea. Other than there are a lot of books that start with the letter “T” and they are in alphabetical order. I think it does indicate that we are getting closer to the end of the New Testament. And maybe we’ll have a book in here that isn’t written by Paul?

Please?

?The First Epistle of Paul to the Thessalonians

Chapter 1
Wow, this is a super-brief chapter to open up this book. Like super-super brief. Paul is not normally concise; this must be some of Timothy’s influence coming through. The only real bit of information in this chapter is that the Holy Spirit crammed the gospel down the throats of the Thessalonians. Or something like that. Don’t blame me, Paul is the one who wrote it in such a boring way.

Chapter 2
Paul goes on to severely patronize the Thessalonians. Seriously, why would they want anything to do with Paul after this letter? Want an example? “Instead, we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother tenderly caring for her own children.” Well, okay, that isn’t severely patronizing. But dear lord, it isn’t treating people as equals, either.

One last bit from this chapter – and it is something that a lot of people grasp desperately to: the gospel is the word of god, not the word of man. That is very handy if you want to make sure that people follow your new religion and don’t question it.

Chapter 3
Paul sent Timothy to Thessalonica, figuring that the Thessalonians had abandoned Paul’s teachings and moved on with their own form of Christianity. Timothy and Paul were delighted to find out, however, that the church at Thessalonica had stayed true to Paul and the gospel. Paul was so happy about this that he can’t find much to chide the Thessalonians for. For Paul, that’s HUGE!

Up next: Paul slowly sucks the color out of the gospel