NTiR: Poor Paul isn’t getting any… (1 Corinthians 5-8)

By | July 12, 2010

Bible and magnifying glassI need to give a Parental Notice here. This entry deals with sex. If you feel that children must be protected from the mention of sex, then you won’t want to let them read this entry. There’s nothing explicit here. Well, at least nothing more explicit than Paul writes in his letter. That is a little explicit, though. Consider yourself warned!

Of course, if you don’t want your children to read profanity, you shouldn’t let them read this blog series at all!

For those of you who are still reading this entry, my interpretation of the following four chapters may seem like sheer fiction. I swear to you, though, that Paul actually does write about these things. If you don’t buy what I am selling, you can read the four chapters yourself. And if you disagree with me, you should also leave a comment below. I love to hear your dissenting opinions!

These four chapters all pertain to sex. Specifically Paul telling his followers – er, I mean Christ’s followers – to abstain from sex because it is sinful and keeps one from loving God and being close to Jesus. Or something. My personal opinion is that Paul wasn’t getting any, so he wanted to make sure no one else was getting any, either.

Chapter 5Paul is deeply offended by one instance of sexual immorality: one of the members of the church is sleeping with his step-mother. Granted, that is really weird. But this once again sends Paul into a tirade. He demands that this man be removed from the church, sent away so that Satan can destroy the man’s body. It’s the only way that god can save the man. Nope, doesn’t make sense to me. Sounds like the rantings of a bitter, crazy old man. I wonder how old Paul was at this point?

You know the idea of “judge not lest ye be judged?” Paul ain’t having no truck with that. Paul basically says straight-out that he can judge those inside the church, it is only outsiders that cannot be judged by man.

Do you see why I say that Paul diverged from Christ’s teachings? Would Jesus say “ah, as long as they are in the church, you can judge them”?

Chapter 6Paul really, really doesn’t like sexual immorality. I am thinking that he wasn’t getting any at the time. Was Paul married? Did he have a “special” travel mate? The bible doesn’t say for certain (or at least it hasn’t yet). Maybe getting laid would’ve helped Paul get over his sexual hang-ups.

Paul does list those who definitely won’t go to heaven: “sexually immoral people, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexuals, thieves, greedy people, drunks, slanderers, and robbers.” Which leaves out basically the entire Republican party.

Chapter 7Want proof that Paul is sexually frustrated? How about I Corinthians 7:1 “It’s good for a man not to touch a woman.” Because people shouldn’t have sex if Paul isn’t getting any! Paul also wishes that everyone could be like him and not have sex. A quote from It’s a Wonderful Life comes to mind, ‘cuz Paul is definitely “a warped, frustrated old man.” Again I ask, why did people choose to follow Paul instead of Apollos or Peter?

Oh, the chapter goes on in this vein for a while: If a man cannot control his sexual urges, then he should get married. But someone who isn’t having sex is living with the lord.

In the midst of all of this is a passage that caused slave owners to forbid teaching their slaves to read: I Corinthians 7:21-23. Especially “if you have a chance to become free, take advantage of the opportunity.”

Chapter 8Paul is hungry again, and devotes a chapter to eating and not eating meat. I dunno, you tell me.

Up next: Sexism, thy name is Paul!

New installments of The New Testament In Review will be posted each Monday and Thursday. The new posts will always be on my blog, http://biffster.org. The entire series is accessible via http://biffster.org/ntir. If you are one of my Facebook friends, you can get an advance preview on my Facebook page. You can also follow me (@biffster) on Twitter to be alerted to new posts.